her vagine was all disorganized.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
