So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
