so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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