I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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