Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
