Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
