I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
