two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
