She is in my trunk
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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