That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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