well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
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i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
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Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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