She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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