On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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