The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
