So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
