you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
