she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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