Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
