...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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