ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
