apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
