Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
