I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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