If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
