every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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