He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
