no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
