her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
