hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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