Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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