Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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