i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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