textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
