I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Is it because I queefed?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
