i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
