She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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