I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
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I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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