My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
