I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
