Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
