She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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