it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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