I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
