You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
