Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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