U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
