woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
