Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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