overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
