I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
