I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
