swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
