You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We have so much sex to catch up on
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
