is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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