I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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