put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
