Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
soo... how was my night?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
