Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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